Lick the Monkey
by Demus
Summary: Ford and Zaphod are bored. Ford and Zaphod play Lick the Monkey. Humiliation and slash ensues. Hetonly people look away.


**To slashhater/slashhater fred:** This is a story containing slash. You do not like slash. I am perfectly accepting of your views. I advise you not to read this story. You will not like it. Thank you. May you live a long and happy life.

Dedication: For Tomiko, who had the idea.  
Disclaimer: I do not own HHGTTG.

I reitereate. This contains **slash** of the boy/boy variety. Het-only people look away.

* * *

Blue eyes stared deep into even bluer eyes, faces so close they were almost touching. One of the men licked his lips nervously, the other dabbed a trickle of sweat from the side of his face. Breathing heavy, tense, they remained locked in the moment with each other, frozen and unmoving. 

Eventually, one of them sighed and sat back. "Zaph, this isn't working," Ford complained, rubbing a hand into his tired eyes. "Neither of us need to blink, this staring competition could go on for years."

"S'not my fault the wall gave in too quickly," Zaphod muttered, sulkily.

Ford sighed again. "Zarquon. I'm so bored I almost feel like talking to Eddie."

Zaphod sat bolt upright. "No, don't do it Ford! You've got so much to live for!" he cried, leaping up onto the table and striking a Drama Queen pose.

Minutes ticked by slowly, dragging their feet like sullen children on their way outside to do their daily chore of coaxing Mad Uncle Marty down from the nearest supermarket roof. Eventually, Ford rolled his eyes and stretched like a cat, rising from his chair and absently swiping his semi-cousin's legs out from under him.

"And I am certainly not playing the Janx Spirit game with you. We are related and I never, ever wish to wake up that way again," the shorter Betelgeusian continued as his cousin heaved himself to his feet, swearing profusely.

Zaphod glared at Ford with all three of his eyes, then decided it probably wouldn't get him anywhere. He cast a cursory glance around the room, hoping to see some half-naked people up for an orgy (after all, he was the President, why shouldn't horny half-naked people appear on the ship for his 'convenience'?). Alas, the blandly decorated room was sadly lacking in hot, young, lickable…

Hold on…lickable…that gave him a brilliant idea. One that wouldn't result in them being shot at, kidnapped, tortured, murdered, pick-pocketed or caught in traffic (_a fate worse than death in Galactic rush hour, mainly because inter-galactic traffic jams lasted 15 longer then than the life span of the average sentient being. Which didn't stop the construction of traffic lights at every comet junction, much to the annoyance of everyone except the traffic light manufacturers_). Both of Zaphod's heads started to grin. "Hey Ford! Guess what I've just thought of?"

-------

Ford raised an eyebrow and stared at Zaphod, his arms folded. "Tell me again why you've just dragged me into Arthur's room, shouting 'It's the best idea ever!' and creasing my jacket?"

The two-headed Betelgeusian was looking at the prone form of the sleeping Earthman with a worrying gleam in his eyes, rubbing two of his hands together and giggling to himself behind the third one. "We're going to play…A GAME," he sniggered, ominously.

"A game? Why, pray tell, did we have to come in here and gawp at Arthur?" there was an irritated edge to Ford's voice now. "I thought you'd had enough of him?"

Zaphod cackled again. "No no no, he's very important to this game," he said, his tone betraying all the excitement of an overweight three-year old in front of a huge chocolate cake in an area conspicuously devoid of adults/people to share the cake. "We're going to play 'Lick the Monkey'."

Ford blinked. Then blinked an unprecedented second time. "I sincerely hope 'Monkey' is Zaphodspeak for 'Alcohol' or 'Ice cream' or 'Prostitutes'," he remarked after a moment.

"Nope. 'Monkey' is Zaphodspeak for 'Useless Whiny Earthman Git'," Zaphod grinned in a way that made even Ford consider hiding his neck and taking a step backwards. "Each turn, you have to lick the Monkey. First person who refuses to lick loses and has to perform a forfeit."

"What kind of forfeit?"

"The not naked kind."

Ford repressed the urge to shudder in relief. "And what's the alternative?" he asked, his voice betraying his slight disgust at the thought of having to introduce his tongue to the body of his human friend. Not that he hadn't licked humans before- it was just that they were usually awake and willing. Or at least awake. And probably willing. Ford had found these niggling little details tended to resolve themselves as soon as he performed the infamous Double Eccentrica procedure (named after it's creator, the most famous whore in the Universe).

"The Janx Spirit game. I don't know any others that wouldn't be highly inappropriate. That's the bad kind of inappropriate, not the good kind," Zaphod added, his smile becoming a smirk (not hugely different, but a good deal more dangerous for anything with sex organs).

"So I either lick a human or risk possibly sleeping with you?"

"Yep."

"…Let's get linguistic."

-------

It took a bit of delicate manoeuvring to get Arthur into a suitable position above the bed sheets, during which Ford thanked any of the deities listening that his friend was a very heavy and remarkably oblivious sleeper. Zaphod was still breaking out into fits of giggles, but seemed to be muffling most of them behind his fist.

Once the unsuspecting human was in position, the two Betelgeusians surveyed their target with the air of a librarian taking an inventory. Ford glanced at Zaphod, then nudged him none-too-gently in the ribs. "You start," he whispered. "It was your idea."

"Well I will."

"Well go on then."

"You just watch me." Zaphod took a step forwards, bringing himself closer to the bed. His eyes roved over the Earthman then he stooped and, very delicately, flitted his tongue over the knuckles of Arthur's right hand.

Ford snorted and went to the other side of the bed. He very carefully flicked the sleeve of the human's dressing gown up a little and licked the inside of his wrist. He straightened up and raised his eyebrow challengingly at his cousin.

Zaphod's eyes narrowed and he eyed the still form again with the scrutiny of a prospective buyer viewing a house. He strode to the end of the bed and very firmly licked the exposed ankle.

They carried on in this vein for some time, each making a silent challenge to the other after each 'round'. Surprisingly, Arthur continued to sleep on quite peacefully as the Betelgeusians played their bizarre oral game, getting more and more tensely entwined in the competition as it went on.

After several long, gruelling minutes, Zaphod made a killer move. He ever so cautiously tugged the sides of the bathrobe away and gingerly lifted the pyjama shirt to reveal the bottom of the Earthman's stomach. With a devilish wink at Ford, he dragged his tongue across the revealed pale skin. As he did so, the human stirred a little under the warm wet tongue, mumbling a bit of incoherent nonsense as he shifted away from the invading tongue.

The curly-haired Betelgeusian gaped for a moment at his cousin, who was grinning rakishly. "Don't wake him up!" he hissed, angrily. Zaphod shrugged in response.

"Your turn, cuz."

Ford growled in the back of his throat and considered his next move. He took in the blissfully unaware form and pondered for a few moments. His face split into an evil smile as he worked it out. He leant over the bed and licked a straight trail from the base of Arthur's neck all the way up to the curve of his jawline and the pit where his earlobe met his cheek. This time, the human really did react, scrunching up his face and protesting a little louder, his arms moving up a little as he twisted jerkily away. Ford watched him and ran his tongue over his lips unconsciously, predatorily.

Zaphod's next move was to get that little bit closer to the human, pressing the strongest muscle in his body against Arthur's chin. As he did so, he caught the edge of the Englishman's mouth and his lips parted slightly.

The two-headed being stepped back, looked at the semi-open mouth and then at his cousin. "I dare you," he grinned, wickedly.

Ford gulped a little nervously. Unwilling to seem churlish or scared, he nodded. He tilted his head on one side like a cat, ruminating on how best to attack the problem. He carefully moved to place his hands either side of the human's shoulders to balance himself and leaned down. He placed the tip of his tongue to the edge of Arthur's mouth and passed it over the open lips, slow enough to make it deliberate and avoid accusations of rushing the job.

As he did so, something entirely unexpected happened. Quick as a whiplash, the human's hand snapped up to grab Ford's arm. Startled, the Betelgeusian lost his balance on the mattress and collapsed on top of the human, his lips pressing to Arthur's. He panicked and struggled to get up, but the Earthman held him flush against his body, not an inch between them. Ford considered trying to wake his friend up, a potential cause of fatal embarrassment, but a definite cause of release from his grip. Then he found himself being kissed rather firmly and expertly.

Taken by surprise, the Betelgeusian automatically relaxed, his instinctive response to the intimate action. He purred softly, his struggles ceasing as he was thoroughly seduced by Arthur's lips. Vaguely in the back of his mind, he was aware of his cousin whooping behind him. But he ignored it, instead focusing on _now_, the shifting body beneath him, the mouth on his, the hands pushing at his chest…

With no warning, he was unceremoniously shoved backwards and off the bed. Landing heavily on his rear, he hissed in pain and alarm and glanced up somewhat dazedly. Arthur, having apparently just woken up, had sprung backwards to the head of the bed at finding his friend lying on top of him doing something he felt was entirely inappropriate.

"Ford! What the hell do you think you're doing?" Arthur shrieked, feeling bewildered and violated.

Ford shook his head a little groggily and stood, shaking out his jacket. "We were kissing," he stated, very cooly. "You started it. And now I'm going to finish it." With that, he lunged.

Zaphod watched them, smirking. 'Lick the Monkey' had turned out to be much more fun than he'd thought possible, he mused as Ford single-mindedly set about changing Arthur's mind about the appropriateness of his actions. The two-headed Betelgeusian continued to perve for a moment longer, then turned to leave. After all, there were many many more beings in that Galaxy who might be up for a quick round of 'Lick the Sentient Being'.

Or so he hoped.


End file.
